Dateline: November, 2017:
Scene: The office of Timefiller Productions, the production company putting together the “NickDoesHockey” telemovie.

INT: WRITERS ROOM (MEETING IN PROGRESS)              DAY

Producer: ‘Come on, peoples, it’s looking good but we’re lacking an element of fizz.’

Writer 1: ‘Fizz?’

Not even they could save this film …

Producer: ‘Yeah, fizz. Steaminess, scandal … it’s all a bit too ‘straight’. This “Nick Place” character seems too straight. I mean, really? Work, hockey, family, the occasional coffee or whisky. Yawn. We need dirt! We need something to burn up the screen.’

Researcher 1: ‘Umm, he got a speeding ticket once …’

Producer: ‘Oh, come on, peoples! Tell you what, let’s focus on that week where Nick’s wife was in France and he was all alone, living the sweet bachelor life, in Melbourne through Cup Week. Researchers, give us the really juicy stuff from that sordid lost week…

Researcher 2: ‘Um, well, there was Cup Day …’

Not Nicko Place: damn.

Producer: ‘Yeah, excellent. I can see it. Sweeping shot of the Flemington grandstands, zooming in to the crowd, all the women in their amazing frocks, with waaaaaay plunging necklines and showing lots of leg. Now we see Nicko, dressed up in a snappy suit, cruising the drunken race-goers and plying them with alcohol, deciding which three or four to take home? Yeah!’

Writer 2: ‘Um, well, actually, he and his son, Big Cat, went to a stick-and-puck hockey practice session at O’Brien Arena, then he had lunch with a friend. He had a nasty head cold so he watched the Cup, supine on his couch.’

Producer: ‘Oh really? Damn. Still plenty of the week left. What about Wednesday? Shaken the cold, ready to rock out Hump Day in Melbourne’s famous night clubs. Nicko heads out, ready to par-tay…’

Researcher 1: ‘Firstly, nobody says “par-tay” any more, boss. And actually, Nicko spent a quiet day working, then had his usual two hours of hockey that night. Inter class and dev league.’

Producer: ‘Oh man. Well, Thursday equals Sin day! AmIright?’

Researcher 3: ‘Met with his accountant, had a couple of other business meetings, saw a quiet movie, home early to bed. Still sneezing.’

Producer: ‘What movie did he see? Porn? Snuff film? Something shocking?’

Researcher 1: “The Lobster” with Colin Farrell and Rachel Weisz. By Greek arthouse director Yorgos Lanthimos. Awesome film …’

The Lobster: amazing film.

Producer: ‘For fuck sake, come on, people! Give me something we can use? This movie is going to be rated G if we don’t find something salacious. Let’s refocus: Friday night … of all nights. Unless I’m mistaken, Friday is still the big night of the week? Yeah? What did our boy do? I want drunkenness, I want an orgy, I want Jake Carlisle coming around to Nick’s place for a Snapchat session … I want something!’

Researcher 2: ‘Friday evening? Played hockey again.’

Silence.

Producer: ‘Seriously?’

Writer 2: ‘For the IBM corporate team, filling in, against Australia Post.’

Nicko and Fly in the Icy Obrien rooms: this guy needs a life.

Producer: ‘Did he at least bring his dog to the rink, like the Friday before?’

Researcher 3: ‘Um, nope.’

Writer 2: ‘Scored a goal in the opening five seconds, though, which was a funny moment … I’m thinking we come in tight on the face-off, and then pan-‘

Producer: ‘NOBODY CARES IF HE SCORED A HAT-TRICK, YOU DICKHEAD. I WANT SCANDAL. I WANT CONTROVERSY. Where did he go after the game?’

Researcher 1: ‘A Collingwood cafe, La Niche. Listened to some French music, and ate a big bowl of tartiflette.’

La Niche tartiflette. The ultimate post-hockey meal.

Producer: ‘What the hell is tartiflette?’

Researcher 1: ‘Um, mostly potato covered in several baked cheeses. The ultimate post-hockey meal.’

Producer: ‘Holy shit. The weekend better deliver. His wife’s back on Monday evening. Tell me he went berserk, got arrested, was found in a pool of his own vomit, at a bondage party, over the weekend.’

Researcher 1: ‘Hung out with his seven-year-old step-son, went to the museum, played hockey with the Cherokees on Sunday afternoon, had a quiet dinner with his family, then home to bed.’

Producer (popping Aspirin): ‘So just to be clear: this guy’s wife is out of town for a week and a bit, and he plays hockey four times, goes out drinking or partying exactly zero times?

Research 1: ‘Actually, when you put it like that, it IS pathetic.’

Producer: ‘That’s it. I’m out. This movie’s got nothing. NOTHING.’

Nicko Place, yesterday.

Writer 2: ‘The Cherokees had a win, on the Sunday. Nicko was patchy … did some good things, screwed up others … managed to stay out of the “Naughty Box” as Cassius calls it.’

Producer: ‘Phone somebody who cares. I’m gone. Where are the keys to my Mercedes?’

PA (entering from outer office): ‘Boss? Pierce Brosnan’s on the phone. He says he’s been learning to skate for three months, with the help of ex-NHL star Nick Lidstrom. Says he thinks he’s ready for the title role.’

Producer: ‘Tell him it’s off. The whole thing’s off. We’re done. You’re all fired.’

Researcher 2: ‘What do we tell Nick Place?’

Producer: ‘Tell him to get a life.’