Infiltrating Blue Tongue country

It’s winter on the Gold Coast in Queensland, which means it’s sunny and 26 degrees. I’m freezing (which could be a virus I’m battling), wearing a Red Wings baseball cap, a jumper and a scarf, watching my breath fog in front of my face. In front of me, a diesel-powered Zamboni is chugging along an ice rink in what can only be described as an old shed.

I’m at Iceland, in the suburb of Bundall. Bundall is not close to “The Worlds” to the north or

The Iceland rink, in all its glory.

Coolangatta airport to the south, which basically means it’s part of the endless industrial park hinterland that makes up any part of the Gold Coast that hasn’t been subdivided into tiny housing blocks.

Having skated at Iceland, Hotcakes Gillespie, the celebrated northern skater, tells me to watch for the arch across the road on approach. It turns out the piping, like some plumbing experiment gone wrong, is celebrating the Gold Coast Turf Club, which is nearby, but, hey, it’s a landmark among the factories and we sail under the arch, turn left and find ourselves at the home rink of the Gold Coast Blue Tongues ice hockey team.

I don’t want to get all elitist about this place. I had always kind of known that the Melbourne

The view from my seat: Ice players stand in front of the crowd between shifts.

Icehouse, where I train, is Australia’s official winter Olympic training facility and as such is pretty schmick. I guess what I hadn’t taken into account is life away from the Icehouse.

In fact, far from being all sniffy about the Gold Coast Iceland, I’m in awe of the Blue Tongues players. To train and play at such a dilapidated, sub-standard rink and then duke it out with the better resourced teams, like Melbourne Ice, is nothing short of heroic.

A photo on the Melbourne Ice facebook page from Sunday showed the showers at Iceland … several plastic water drums on top of a shed, with hoses to let the water fall. When we arrived, Jason Baclig and other members of the Ice were warming up in the carpark. The actual rink looked wet, not frozen, and instead of that pleasing, sharp scrapped-ice sound of a good hockey stop, when players changed direction there was a kind of slushy sound. I have never seen so many players in an AIHL game lose their footing, sliding around on watery ice. And the rink looked smaller than the Heinke Rink where we train, and where Melbourne Ice plays its home games. I’m not sure if it was an optical illusion or not. I suspect this rink was NHL sized, not Olympic sized.

Watching all this was about 150-200 fans, who had paid ten bucks each at the door. Five or six people were wearing Gold Coast jerseys, which are based on the Canucks’ colour scheme. Otherwise the major fundraising initiative was a sausage sizzle out the front, cooked by parents of Blue Tongue players.

Two or three rows of seats lined one wall, meaning even such a small crowd was capacity. Amazingly, there was no glass around the rink, meaning netting was all that protected spectators from the flying puck, and also meant any player getting “boarded” was pushed into a waist-high wall, not safer glass.

The scoreboard was for “Visitors” v “Grizzlies” (much better name than the Blue Tongues, btw, Coasters). There were no benches for the teams, or penalty boxes. That swarthy sex symbol of the Ice, Jacques Perreault, got a penalty and had to stand with the rest of the team for two minutes, seething quietly.

Ice goalie Stu Denman didn't bother trying to go outside to the change room during intervals.

Between shifts, Melbourne Ice players stood in front of us, local fans wandering past them with sausages in bread, as the Ice players discussed tactics and were baited by the crowd. After one dodgy penalty, an old dude standing next to us muttered in a super-satisfied growl under his breath: “Welcome to the Gold Coast.” By the game’s end, when the Blue Tongues sunk an empty netter to take a 5-3 lead, Ice captain Vinnie Hughes was leaning on the wall, having verbal stoushes with the crowd, sitting a whole metre away.

“Man, tomorrow’s game is going to have an edge,” Hotcakes Gillespie observed, as Joey Hughes was led out of a fight with three seconds to go on the clock. And she was right … according to Twitter, the refs tried to give Army a five minute penalty for fighting the next day, when Melbourne claimed he wasn’t even on the ice at the time, Lliam got thrown out of the game, and Ice eventually won 5-3 after Jason Baclig (who else?) chipped into the empty net to split the weekend’s scorelines.

So this is AIHL life away from the palatial Icehouse? I felt genuinely concerned for the Melbourne Ice and Blue Tongue players, trying to play at the professional level they do on such a dodgy rink (a game was cancelled recently because the Iceland ice was deemed dangerous) EDIT: a broken thermostat made the ice too cold, according to a local, replying to this post (see below).

But I also felt amazed that the Gold Coast team could be at such a decent standard, given their home. And I felt admiration for the bloke who clearly runs everything to keep Iceland going, driving the Zamboni, putting up the netting, checking the bar is ticking over, renting skates on weekdays and ensuring the shipping container that doubles as team changing rooms is clean and tidy for visiting sides. All while 99 per cent of the local population are at the beach down the road.

Aduba, Tommy Powell and Lliam Webster watch the game; a long way from the AHL.

At one stage, I was watching Melbourne’s star import Obi Aduba clamber over the sponsor-free wall to stand on wet carpet with only a net separating him from the fans, dodgy under-wattage lighting making the whole scene gloomy. When the AIHL finals finish, Aduba is heading back to America to play for the Quad City Mallards, in Illinois, (This is him dropping the gloves for Quad City before he joined the Ice) and will try out with Springfield, in the AHL – one level below NHL. What must he have made of this Gold Coast scene? It would be like an ATP tennis player competing at antbed tennis courts in central Queensland, local farmers manning the lines.

I guess, like so much else in hockey, he’s in it for the adventure. Iceland provided that.

Quack. Quack. Quack.

The mighty mighty Mighty Ducks

I like to think of my hockey classmates as a band of brothers and sisters. We skate together, we bite ice together, we battle stinky hockey gear together.

It’s a bond.

Sadly, this week there was a dangerous edge to the locker room.

Even more sadly, there is no dispute that I was the cause of it.

Anybody who believes Facebook is not dangerous, heed this story. Like CW Stoneking’s “Love Me Or Die”, Facebook should be used carefully, else a powerful voodoo may bring undone the person or the thing you love.

Trust me. I know.

So what did I do?

Well, I admitted to our catchily-titled “2011 Icehouse Intermediate Hockey Group” that I considered “Mighty Ducks” to be a crap film.

I ventured my opinion on the merits, or lack thereof, of this 1992 classic, alternatively-named “Champions” (talk about give away the ending, btw).

I know, I know. I’m sorry, alright?

There’s no need to go into specific details of the 30 comments that followed (starting with: “oooh fighting words Place!” … “This should get interesting.” … and then straight into “Blasphemy!” and beyond.)

It would be fair to say our Facebook group went nuts. It’s a closed group, thankfully, so the public wasn’t exposed to the vitriol. We’re hockey players, so the language can get fruity. The only win was that nobody dobbed me in to Lliam Webster, our coach and the hard man of Melbourne Ice. I know for a fact he loves the film, and he attacked me with a stick tonight, anyway, but playfully, so I dodged a bullet there.

Suffice to say, I am now aware that many of my classmates feel strongly about the film, which stars Emilio Estevez and a very young Joshua Jackson for any Dawson Creek fans out there (and if you are out there, why the Hell are you reading a hockey blog?)

Me (left), shaping up to take on a defender, tonight. Pic by Will.

Mighty Ducks is set in Minnesota in the days of puffy hair and is a film about a team of misfit kids; hard kids off the street, who all manage to be cutesy with hearts of gold. All of them. One kid learns to skate by roller-blading through a shopping centre in one easy sequence. Can’t skate: now can skate. A lot of eggs are sacrificed. (We have actually had Lliam use that scene to teach us stick-handling: “Treat the puck softly like an egg … glide it, don’t whack it.”)

The complicated plot, summarised by imdb, goes a little something like this: “Gordon Bombay, a hotshot lawyer, is haunted by memories of his childhood, when, as the star player in his champion hockey team, he lost the winning goal in a shootout, thereby losing the game, and the approval of his coach. After being charged for drunk driving, the court orders him to coach a peewee hockey team, the worst in the league, Gordon is at first very reluctant. However, he eventually gains the respect of the kids and teaches them how to win, gaining a sponsor on the way and giving the team the name of The Ducks. In the finals, they face Gordon’s old team, coached by Gordon’s old coach, giving Gordon a chance to face old ghosts.

There’s no way you could possibly guess what happens.

So anyway, it turns out 75 per cent of our Facebook group only got into hockey because of this film. Goldberg, the fat kid goalie, is regarded as an icon. Nobody has any issues with Gordon heading off to try out as a player at the end of the film.

I’m not criticising. It’s the greatest film ever made. And there were sequels, which I am yet to enjoy. Oh boy.

By the time I headed to the Icehouse tonight – accompanied by an enthusiastic spectator in Will (sidelined by toe surgery), eagerly along for the juicy prospect of extreme violence and the likely death of his father – online threats of “boarding” me and worse had been made, including a pledge for the whole class to stand over my fallen body, doing the Ducks’ famous “Quack” chant.

Me, beating a defender, tonight. He shoots. He scores!

Happily, my teammates decided to let me live and I actually had an awesome class, learning forward-to-backward transitions, doing lots of passing, backward skating, shooting for goal and one-on-one forward versus D.

It was one of those rare classes where my feet felt right in the skates, I had my balance and the world actually worked for me, in that the move we had to learn was snow-plough-based, as against the hockey-stop lean-back. As the only person on the ice who is still crap at hockey stops, the urgent snow plough remains my only stopping option, all weight on the front leg, which is what tonight’s main move required.

Who knows? Maybe falling over every-other-pivot will turn out to be a strength too in the weeks ahead?

Either way, I’m not scared any more. All I have to do is invoke the spirit, pluck and sheer goddamn decency of Charlie Conway, captain of the Ducks.

Quack! Quack! Quack!

(Secret blog easter egg, thanks to classmate Shaun Madden: Where are the Ducks now? Gold.)

Hockey everywhere

Sydney's temporary ice rink

So I’m in Sydney for my kids film festival, and it’s a Wednesday so I’m a little bummed because I’m missing hockey class (despite my last blog’s exploration of fear in Intermediate hockey).  I screw up on the local train system and end up blundering back into the night at St James station, near Hyde Park, not very far at all from where I’d boarded a train at Circular Quay, and decide to walk back to my hotel. Which means I cross a road and find myself staring at a temporary outdoor ice rink. It was like a movie set: people skating in strange fluoro orange rental skates, marquees everywhere selling German sausage or beer or Dutch pancakes. Chicks in that slightly kinky Swiss/German outfit with the white blouse and the skirt and the long socks. And a bunch of hockey players aimlessly skating around between the punters, or sucking on cigarettes and drinking beer; probably not coincidentally perched right near the gorgeous Heidi chicks.

I went over and said hi and found out they were a local team, the Sydney Bears, presumably hired by the Winter Festival organisers to add some colour to the event. It turns out there are five or so regular rinks in Sydney (as against Melbourne’s two, that I know of). The Bears carefully hid their fags while posing for my photo. I wished them well, as fellow ice warriors.

It should have surprised me to find ice skating in the heart of Sydney. But it didn’t. For some reason, here in Australia, deep in the southern Hemisphere, about as far from Canada as you can get, ice hockey turns up much more than it rightfully should.

Getting a haircut at Dr Follicles, it turns out the dude cutting my locks as I sip my beer ($28 the lot:

The Bears: fags hidden.

great deal) is from Canada and plays a level or so below Melbourne Ice in the local leagues. (I’ve since seen him in action at Stick & Puck sessions: he’s amazing.) When my boys and I had a Thai exchange student stay with us earlier in the year and suggested hockey as a bizarre treat, she sniffed that her dad used to play. Say what? In Thailand? He studied in America and got a taste for it. She admitted she had played back home, and the subtle hint she was too polite to spell out was that she would kick Will and my arses all around the ice if it came down to it. A mate from journalism turns out to have played for years.

And so it goes. If you raise this crazy sport in conversation, almost everybody has a story, or a friend who plays, or some connection. I wonder if I still had my now-defunct Yarraville connection and had therefore become obsessed by, say, Trugo, if I would be having the same experience of constant connection with strangers? Is hockey on the rise as a Melbourne pastime and phenomenon, or am I just more aware of it when it crosses my path?

The good news is that I got back to Melbourne in time for Saturday’s class, led by Steve “Scuba” Edwards (No. 17 for the Ice) and Shona. This week, to my undying relief, the class was almost entirely skating and passing and shooting. I still sucked compared to some, but my stick handling is actually okay so I was able to keep up and it was a lot more fun than the pivots and transitions and other fancy skating that had unraveled me last time.

The skating Ninja, who chooses to partake in the classes without armour, was unexpectedly sent on his way, presumably for health and safety reasons, and Will was laid up after an operation on his toe, which left me and almost the entire team from the Ice Dogs, a Development League team who all seem to be using this class as practice and hunt in packs. They’re welcoming though, if tough on the ice.

We did a heap of drills and the sweat was pouring as we came off, in a good way. A genuine workout.

And for the first time, I had a genuine goalie in net, a woman who effortlessly stopped every one of my shots. Added to my list of skills to be worked on is a more powerful shot. I once broke a stick, cracking hard at the goal. I seem to have lost that power when it matters, which means I need to hit some Stick & Puck sessions to keep swinging until I can trouble a goalie.

But this week it all feels achievable again. Difficult, yes. Daunting, yes. A long road to be travelled, sure. But doable. What a difference a week makes – even if I did finally get around to watching “The Mighty Ducks”, a compulsory rite of passage for any hockey player, only to discover it was predictable early Nineties pap. (“What?” Will sneered at me. “You were expecting M. Night Shyamalan twists?”)

Even that couldn’t throw me off my stride this week. I have whisky, chocolate and True Blood following “send” on this post. I still have a functioning shoulder, after lots of hockey and a spirited footy hitout in today’s brilliant sunshine. Plus Melbourne Ice won in a shoot out last night against the Gold Coast Blue Tongues (who had an excellent goalie), with Jason Baclig and Army sealing the goals to win it. And I have my official Census forms, with the only question being what joke religion I’m going to go with on August 9? I’m thinking “Red Wing”, ahead of Jedi or Pastafarian.

Life is good.

The F word

Behind you! Behind you!

When were you last truly afraid? Not just worried or disturbed or concerned. I’m talking about Fear. Genuine, immediate fear.
I looked up the definition in dictionary.com, just so you can say the next sentence in one of those raspy movie trailer voices if you feel so inclined:
Do you know the true meaning of fear?
I can tell you. It’s: “A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc, whether the threat is real or imagined.”
Or, to put it another way, Intermediate Hockey Classes. Along with smatterings of life.
Welcome to my world right now.
I’d always heard that fear was something that kicked in as you aged and, sadly, I’m finding it to be true. As a kid, like most kids, fear was a minor and occasional factor in my adventures – and kind of a thrill if it did turn up. Why else do people go to scary movies, right?
As a teen, I fell off a big cliff because I was climbing it for fun, without any safety gear. A rock broke off in my hand and I bounced hard. Nasty. In my 20s, I surfed Winki Pop, the even more challenging surf break next to Bells Beach, at six-to-eight foot on a Boogie Board; mountainous waves so powerful that one sucked my board from under me as I punched through the lip and snapped my leg rope like it was made of cotton. I had to swim back to shore through the impact zone, getting smashed on the rocks before I made it to safety. I still have scars.
In terms of work, relationships, what was possible in the world, there was little to no fear. Covering police rounds, I would be at murder scenes pre-dawn, chatting with cops about the absolute worst in human behaviour. It was interesting, not frightening; even the Hoddle Street Massacre and the Russell Street bombing didn’t invoke much personal fear that I remember.
But now I’m older and I seem to carry fear in a more central part of my core, and it shits me. It has played havoc with more than one relationship and has definitely made me take short footsteps, to use an AFL expression, where I could have been bold. No more or less than anybody else, I should add. But it’s a prick.
Last week, on Wednesday night, with Lliam and Army coaching, and then on Saturday, with Michael and Shona in the blue instructor fleecies, I began Intermediate Hockey. And the step up from Intro was truly daunting. Army started things off by looking at our group and saying: “OK, looks like everybody is second time around, so we’ll really push things, and get you guys up a few levels in this term.”
My face must have been a picture at that point. There’s no Governors reprieve on the ice: “Um, Army … You might not have noticed but I’m just up from intro …” Skates on, bitches. Seconds later, we were attempting outside edge crossovers, and very tight turns, around and stepping over our sticks, lain on the ice. On Saturday, Michael started things with transitions (front foot to back foot), pivots and backward crossovers as the first drill. I was in a bad place in my head before I skated onto the ice and this didn’t help. It was the first time in 21 weeks of lessons that I considered just skating the fuck off the ice and going home.
But I stuck it out and had a crack and landed hard (bad shoulder hurt but held, Michael was kind as he skated past my body). My stick handling was actually not too bad so at least, wobbly skating aside, I showed some hockey skill, especially as I was partnered with Army for some of it.
I guess the upside is I didn’t quit and thanks to this blog, I can go back and read how equally out of my depth I was at the start of Intro and have faith that somehow I will one day be capable of what is being asked. I suspect I have to resign myself to being the unskilled dunce at the back of the class, fumbling and falling, for this Intermediate term as I grind away at my skills. Does it help that there is some hero in a black skivvy – “The Ninja”, as Hotcakes Gillespie, the celebrated northern skater, sneered – who doesn’t even bother to wear protective armour because he’s so supremely confident in his skills, leading off every drill with an NHL display of skating and looking impatient as the mortals then try to keep up? No, it doesn’t. I was seriously tempted to knock him on his arse just to say, “Shit, sorry. If only you were wearing hockey armour like everybody else that wouldn’t have hurt.” I have no idea why this guy is even in Intermediate class.
I had a general skate on Monday, to work in a more peaceful surrounding on pivots and hockey stops, which I still can’t nail. A skater (“My name is NiSyong … just think of Nice Young Man”) gave me some great tips on starter backward crossover technique and Will was helpful with pivots and backward skating. The work continues. My shoulder holds. The fear lurks, that I will be badly hurt or just simply not good enough. I ignore it. I skate. I try to improve. What else are you going to do? Quit? Fuck that.

I can feel my heart beating

Chris Osgood: will be missed

The blood pumps. I still have a wrecked shoulder but do I care? No, and you know why? Because I’m a hockey player. And tonight, I play hockey. Class One, Intermediate. Bring it.

I even got a couple of general skates in, to get ready, after the inline attempts at Byron. I’ve discovered that early morning sessions are the ones to aim for at The Icehouse. The other day, I kid you not, I was lacing up my skates and looking at a completely empty Bradbury Rink. Ohhhhhh yeah. Will and I had been chatting about my need to skate faster, my feeling that the good skaters are impossibly faster than I could hope to become. His idea was to just hit a general skate, forget about practicing pivots, hockey stops, other moves … just go for it. Skate as fast as I could for lap after lap after lap. So that’s what I did on Tuesday and it was great. Who knows if it helped – I’ll find out tonight, the hard way – but it was so awesome to be out there with only a couple of other learner skaters to act as traffic cones.

Meanwhile, my heart is also beating because Will, Mack and I are seriously planning an American trip. And that includes up to four Red Wings games, three at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, and one against the Caps in Washington if we can get tickets.

Osgood with the Cup, 2008

Too good to even contemplate. I’m costing it now (which isn’t pretty) but I think it will happen. We’ll be singing “Don’t Stop Believin'” for real.

And finally, the NHL off-season continues with silly season shenanigans but also the retirement of Wings goalkeeper Chris Osgood, who will hopefully be recognised in the Hall of Fame. It was time for Osgood to hang ’em up but I’m sad. He seems to be an amazingly good person (including having a charity where he hosts kids on his own ice rink in his backyard) and once managed to score a goal against the Whalers. More to the point, Ossie was the brilliant goalie in net when the Wings won the Stanley Cup a few years ago and I first really tuned into the team.

The other star that series was No. 40, Henrik “Hank” Zetterberg, who has that Swedish sense of humour that can’t be beaten. Such as in this NHL advert I found …

and Pavel Datsyuk, who doesn’t even need a script to be funny. Watch what happens when his phone goes off mid-interview.

Commodore 64

New Red Wing Mike Commodore ... no, really.

It might actually happen.

One of the Red Wings’ defence recruits – he of the brilliant Google Image backlog of facial hair and boofy ranga stylings – might really salute an old computer when he skates out as a Red Wing in a few months. For his entire career across several teams, fans have wanted it to happen – Wings fans, bored in the off-season, are demanding it happens.

And money is being raised for charity along the way. Go the Commodore!

Read all about it here.

Byron Bay: hockeytown

Dolphins surfing below the lighthouse.

Things I learned in the past week:

Inline & sunshine @ Byron.

Lesson 1: Inline skating just does not feel the same as ice. No matter how often I hear that a lot of the moves and skills are transferable, it does not feel the same. I want my slide.

Plus, in my one big fall on Friday, onto a concrete basketball court … it hurt. A lot. Give me hockey armour and ice any time. (The first thing I heard, after splattering? My kid, Mack, saying: “Crap, I wasn’t videoing it.”)

We were in Byron for a week of sunshine and diving and non-Melbourne winter and oh boy, it was good. Will and I, being the dedicated hockey players that we are, took our inlines up and found the perfect practice zone: two basketball courts length to length. We even had Hotcakes Gillespie, the celebrated northern skater and a former inline hockey player, on hand to coach us on how to actually stop on inline skates, given snow ploughs or hockey stops would probably snap your ankles, or send you flying in all the wrong ways. Will, of course, is now stopping like a Boss. Me? See previous paragraph about splattering.

Lesson 2: Grey nurse sharks are very cool, when you’re 16 metres underwater and they emerge out of the watery gloom. And no, they’re not scary at all, mainly because I knew going in that they’re harmless.

This was at Julian Rocks, off Byron, and, post-sharks, sitting on the boat, watching whales breach out to sea, one of the local dive guides told me a funny story. Apparently, a few years ago, an instructor was mid-teaching basic skills in an Open Water Diving course when a smallish Great White shark swam serenely past. The instructor freaked, got between the shark and the students and watched it sail by. When they got out of the water, the students were all, like: “Wow, what about that cool Grey

A grey nurse, as distinct from a great white ...

Nurse that swam by! … Hey, why is the instructor puffing Ventolin and twitching…?”

Lesson 3: If you’re yet to decide which NHL team you should barrack for, could I humbly and helpfully suggest the organisation known as the Detroit Red Wings? Not only do the Wings have the coolest logo in sport, and play Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” when victory looms and have a tradition of hurling octopi at the ice for fun and recently drafted The YouTube Kid, Tomas Jurco, as their top draft pick … they also just signed a free agent, Mike Commodore (check the hairstyle and facial hair!), to bolster the team’s defence. Wings fans immediately created an online campaign to assign him the No. 64 jersey, so his back will read “Commodore 64”. It might happen. I love my team.

Lesson 4: Whisky tastes just as good in northern New South Wales as it does in Victoria.

Lesson 5: Hippie drum circles are a lot of fun. Will walked right through the chaos, in his Darren Helm #43 Wings jersey. Unmoved. The hippies let him live.

David Bromley surfboard.

Lesson 6: I am capable of being tempted to pay $7800 for a surfboard that I would never ride … if it has original David Bromley paintings on both sides, under the resin. Wow.

Lesson 7: The run from Byron Bay town to the Lighthouse is longer than I remembered, and uphill a lot of the way.

Lesson 8: My shoulder is still sore and Intermediate Class starts tomorrow week. Uh oh. … Lucky I’m a hockey player or I’d complain.

Lesson 9: Don’t visit the Macadamia Castle unless you’re into mini golf. If you are into mini golf, don’t miss it. Unlimited play included in the entry fee. Hells to the yeah.

Lesson 10: How to make money … the final Harry Potter film comes out tonight at midnight. I’ve put everything I own (not much) on Voldemorte in the showdown. I think he’s got the height and reach advantage.

Will and I rolling at our Byron Bay winter hockey training facility.

The biggest vaccuum cleaner in the world

Every hockey player's dream: clear ice between me and the puck, and the goal. (Photo: Will)

Picture the largest vaccuum cleaner in the world. As big as a truck. Now double its size and give it the suction pull of a jet engine. Times 10.

That’s how badly I sucked at hockey last night.

Am I being harsh? Probably. We’re usually our worst critics (well, unless you’re Rebecca Black, the “Friday” chick) but I didn’t play well. Couldn’t get near the puck for most of it, had trouble snow-ploughing under pressure when the boards loomed fast, and screwed up my only two potentially great moments: a clear-ice breakaway (above) where I got mown down by a better skater, and an all-alone open goalface where I couldn’t control a bouncing puck when it mattered. I also managed to skate offside repeatedly. Sigh. (Helpfully, Will showed up while I was on the bench, late in the game, and quoted The Simpsons at me: “There comes a time in every son’s life when he realises he’s better than his father …” (For Bart, this happened when he was three.) Will is even better at sledging, or “verbal disintegration”, as the cricketers call it, than he is at hockey. Don’t get me wrong: I’m proud.)

The good news is that even a terrible game of ice hockey, a howler like last night, is about 100 times more fun than most activities you can do on a Wednesday night. Even while sucking, I felt very alive.

Figure skating graduation night

I’d been pumped. As I arrived, I wandered over and saw the figure skaters doing their end-of-course presentation. One girl twirling and whirling and accepting the wild applause of her classmates and family. Then Will’s Intermediate class played their game, Will scored twice (playing Like A Boss! – Smartarse: watch it here) and everybody was blitzing. And my friend Renee turned up with home-baked “ninjabread men” as a pre-game snack, which had coach Lliam whooping and made me wonder if this should be among the world’s top three inventions ever: gingerbread men shaped like ninjas. How could that be bettered? So life was good and I was thinking: Let me out on that ice! Yeah!

And then it went to hell. There are excuses, mainly a painful one. I sort of hurt my shoulder a few weeks ago and last night’s first crash of the night, in my opening shift, finished it off. I’d love to say it’s a tough guy injury, damaged while playing hockey, or wrestling a shark or beating up bikies or something, but in fact it’s a snoring injury. I was sleeping in youth hostel-style bunk bed accommodation at the Queenscliff Dive Centre and a guy was snoring badly in my room, which was also claustrophobic and hot. I trudged off to the common room, attempted to sleep on a couch and woke up with muscles behind my left shoulder blade complaining loudly. It hasn’t gone away, no matter how hard I’ve tried to work it at the gym. One hit last night, which was a good collision – I fully “boarded” a guy – and it went. Then, second shift, I got planted into the bench and my left arm and shoulder took it again. I haven’t felt pain like that for a while.

Getting physical, chasing the puck. (Me in red)

To the point that I thought I’d have to sit out the game, but then I pulled myself together and thought: “You’re a hockey player. Go play hockey.” And I did. The shoulder, once warmed up, held up mostly. Today? Well, it looks like medical expenses are about to begin.

Around all this, I did manage to do some good things. I had some classic crashes into other players, sometimes even intentionally. One that was accidental was a three-way high-speed crash involving me, Renee (playing on the other team) and some guy I didn’t even see. I landed spectacularly but let the armour take it, mercifully not on my left side. Lliam Webster, hard man of the Melbourne Ice, leaned over happily and said: “You’re a fucking bully …”, which I took as a compliment.

“What?” I replied. “You can’t kill people in hockey any more?”

“Good fall by the way.”

“Thanks.”

I did have the decency to check that Renee was alive. She was and continued playing well.

A rare moment as Nicko genuinely passes the puck.

So as everybody else skated like a dream, handled the puck like a pro, scored goals, laughed and shone, my second ever game wasn’t very memorable. I guess it’s going to happen. I’m still new. Dusty Martin and Trent Cotchin were quiet for my Tigers last weekend … But they’re puppies and get to play more than one game every 10 weeks.

I think I was also carrying unhelpful expectations, having played once before, an entire Intro class ago. You know that nasty second run of a new running campaign, when you think you should be better for the first gallop? That second or third surf or round of golf back from a break when you reckon by now you should be sharp again? Often the shocker. Last night, I expected I’d be a lot better, I thought I’d kick 10-weeks-ago-Nicko’s arse. Instead I suspect I was worse.

Open goal, bouncing puck. Sigh.

Which leads, do not pass Go, to the demons. What am I doing? I’m too old for this shit, as Danny Glover would have said if he was playing hockey in Lethal Weapon. Why do I keep taking on ridiculous challenges and aiming way outside the norm, hockey being symbolic of life? It’s nuts. I get hurt. Head. Heart. Body. I risk too much.

Then again …

The highs can be pretty fucking high and I definitely do feel alive. My left shoulder is telling me that even as I type. On Saturday, I fly to a northern beach. I won’t skate for a week. I’ll lick wounds and convince myself that this nutso hockey campaign can be done. Or, shit, maybe it can’t. Does whether I succeed even matter? I know I’m only a dumb hockey player so shouldn’t attempt philosophy and stuff and that and things, but when I lie on my death bed (which could be a lot sooner than later if I take many more shots like last night) I just want to know that I had a crack. That I took bites out of my time here. All the failures can sit proudly beside the wins.

Hard to know yet where hockey will sit in that pile.

But that’s the adventure. Over to you, Journey.

John Green says it right. (c/o Lee Valentine)

A magician, broken Bears, and Bill

A week in hockey …

1. Bill glides

A mid-week skate, not many people on the ice. A few figure skaters, as always, doing their thing.

Including Bill.

Bill is not young. But he’s out there often, twirling gently, doing smooth pivots, skating backward, now forward. Effortless.

As we watch Army drive the Zamboni around the rink (do those Ice guys ever get a day off?) I get talking to Bill who tells me he’s 85 years old. He’s been skating for 75 years. Suddenly me taking up this crazy ice-based sport in my 40s doesn’t seem as ridiculous (OK, still pretty ridiculous).

Bill says he’s skated at 30 or 40 rinks around Victoria during his time. These days he just figures (pun intended) that it’s a good way to keep a creaky body moving and he’s totally right. He moves well.

The Melbourne Glaciarium, where Bill started out.

I asked Bill where he first skated and his reply is immediate. “The Glaciarium … across the river from Flinders Street Station.” (I checked. Yes, he’s right. It looks like it would have been awesome. Another of those breathtakingly gorgeous Marvellous Melbourne buildings that got bulldozed.)

He also told me about the time they put three barges side-by-side on the Yarra and built an outdoor ice rink on top. Of course, Australian heat was a problem and the ice got loose around the edges.

“Anybody fall in?” I asked.

“Yep. Me,” Bill chuckled.

The Zamboni chugged off the rink, Army sweeping the excess snow off the surface and closing the garage door. We skated. Last I saw Bill, he was giving gentle tips to a family clinging desperately to the side wall. Showing them the sideways push.

Legend.

2. A Sunday with the Bears

Great win to the Melbourne Ice on Sunday, following Saturday’s beating up of the Mustangs, with a thriller against the Sydney Bears. Even with Lliam out (crook), the Ice managed to prevail, coming back from 0-2 down at the end of the first period to steal a 3-2 win with two whole seconds on the clock. I kid you not.

Jason Baclig with some dazzling stick work found a gap that wasn’t there between the goalie’s right shoulder and the goal frame, from side-on. Zetterbergesque.

The Bears were disgusted. As the Ice players celebrated, the Bears threw sticks and gloves with venom into their bench (not where players were sitting). An ugly loss.

My favourite moment? Waiting for hot chips in the cafe and realising the third period had started. It looked awesome so I cranked up the iPhone video. From the Icehouse cafe, the view of the game is like this (and note the guy getting boarded 5 seconds in).

3. Just one more reason to love the Wings

Will discovered a kid called Tomas Jurco a year or so ago. We oohed and aahed and gasped at his moves. Will sagged a little when he realised this kid was one day older than him.

But amen, Wings. The NHL national talent draft happened over the weekend and guess who the Wings grabbed with their first selection, in early Round Two? Yep. The Magician.

How good? We can now unashamedly barrack for the freakiest skillset in the game, already talked about in the same breath as Datsyuk for circus-trick stick-handling. Welcome to Detroit, Tomas. Learn the words to “Don’t Stop Believin'”.

Can’t wait to see you in the winged wheel in two or three years, once you’ve bulked up and done your time at Grand Rapids.

4. And me?

Last class of Intro on Wednesday night, which means we play an actual game – the absolute. undisputed highlight of the first time around in Intro. It will be interesting to see how far I’ve come by repeating, the problem being a lot of my fellow skaters are also Repeaters, so they’ve got better too.

Jurco won’t lose sleep about my stick-handling, Bill’s skating skills are safe. But I plan to have fun.

Judgment Day comes early

Uh oh, I thought. Oh God, thought I.

There I was, rugged up, sitting next to my sister and her daughter, who had come along to see what all these icy shenanigans are about – and were freezing because it hadn’t occurred to them that at “The Icehouse”, sitting next to an ice rink, they might want to wear a few layers. But I digress…

We’re in the grandstand overlooking the home of the Melbourne Ice, the Henke Rink, and Will’s Intermediate class skates onto the smooth white surface as the Zamboni Ice Cat garage door closes.

As the skaters hang laps, warming up, Army and Lliam go into a huddle and then send the class down to one end of the ice and explain the first drill. But I spot immediately that it’s not a drill and feel my throat drying up.

Will brings snow, showing how to hockey stop like a Boss!, mid-Assessment.

Because, one by one, the skaters unmistakably start to go through the Assessment Routine, as performed (not very well) by me in Week Nine of Intro, first time around. Skate to the grandstand edge of the blue line. Stop facing the stand (left skate forward). Skate to the red line. Stop (right foot forward). Crossovers around the centre face-off circle, then stop facing the stand (left foot forward). Skate backward to the orange cone near the far goal and pivot, backward to forward, then curl around another cone in a tight left hander and stop near the stand (right foot forward). All while watched carefully by the coaches.

One of my Intro classmates, Frank, who had also arrived early, gave me a glance. I nodded grimly. Yep, only Week Eight but there it was. Judgment Day.

Of course, it goes without saying that I hadn’t been on the ice even once since last Wednesday’s class when I resolved I needed to practice hard. Had my kids’ film festival at ACMI (see Juxtaposed), intense scuba theory for a Deep, Nitrox and Wreck dive course I’m enduring, and general Life Stuff. No chance to even hang laps in a General Session, as I had totally planned to do. Hadn’t even been running, played footy or made it to the gym so I was feeling particularly creaky.

And now it was assessment.

I won’t bore you with it. It strangely went okay. I didn’t make any colossal errors, even if nobody watching would have mistaken me for an Ice team member in training. I skated forward. I stopped (snow plough, not a hockey stop, but whatever. I stopped.) I didn’t crash during the crossovers. I went backwards and pivoted (at the exact moment another student fell at the other end of the ice. I am nothing if not street smart, although I suspect Army spotted my sneaky early pivot, dammnit). My family crew, now watching from the warmth of the bar above, all cheered at the end and I gave them my best “Steve Holt” salute. Lliam shook his head sadly.

STEVE HOLT! (courtesy Renee)

I was mostly relaxed because I had already decided I was going up to Intermediate, whether I passed or not. I’d spoken to a guy in Intermediate the week before who fessed up that he’d done that. Been told he should repeat Intro but shrugged and signed for the more advanced course. He hadn’t died.

So that was my plan. Twice around in Intro would do. If I totally suck at Intermediate next term, to the point that I can record it as an Epic Fail, maybe that answers the question about whether I can be a hockey player?

When I got the Letter of Death at the end of the lesson, it read “Intermediate/Intro”, which means they think I’m borderline but I can decide which way to go. No vote needed. That’s close enough and so (thank you for your applause), I’m no longer an Intro standard hockey player, as of a couple of weeks from now.

I’ve even signed up for Intermediate on Wednesday nights (the 6.15 class, reunited – which rocks – with Will, who’s repeating!) and the same class on the Saturday, for extra ice time and concentrated training.

After assessment, we had a lot of fun. Supermans, some pivot drills and then lots of puck-handling and passing, which I was mostly all over, relief and happiness that assessment was done freeing up my skates.

All this and an awesome weekend of scuba diving at Queenscliff with my dive buddies Sam, Sabrina and Marie, and then the news that Nick Lidstrom finally announced he is not retiring, intending to anchor the Red Wings defence for his 20th year in the NHL. Life is good.