Polishing a turd

I’ve always loved the expression “You can’t polish a turd”. I’m assuming any Detroit hockey people reading this get what it means … I have no idea if it’s an Australianism or not. The bottom line is that no matter how hard you try, you can’t turn, umm, human excrement into gold.

Some golden poo today. Pic: deviantart.com

So last night’s second attempt at Dev League was always going to be tricky. Looking vaguely back into the middle-distance of my life, I have a habit of second-time-blues when it comes to fitness and competition. That nasty second run, or that even worse second hit of tennis after a long break … things like that. I’ve always put it down to expectations. When you haven’t hit a tennis ball for months or haven’t played pool, or whatever, you don’t expect much of yourself, are therefore reasonably relaxed and just happy to be back doing something you love, and promptly play like a champ.

Second time out, you’re thinking ‘Man, I was hitting it really well last time … this should be even better now I’ve got my eye back in.’ The words “This should be…” being one of life’s more common but surprisingly effective traps. And you duly stink up the court, or felt, or bowling lane, or Royal Tennis court, or footy oval, or … well, you get the idea. In this case, let’s go with “rink”.

Last night I was slightly off from the start. Sore back, tired, uncertain on my skates. In Intermediate class, I actually felt pretty serviceable, given these things that I couldn’t shake off. At one stage, I said aloud: “C’mon, Nicko, fucking skate!” which drew a look from the chick in front of me. But eve after that eloquent and stirring pep talk, I was only okay.

In Dev League I battled hard, won some pucks, managed to have about five full body collisions (and kept my feet in all but one, which surprised me) but cannot in any reasonable hockey universe be considered to have had a great game. I was slow, not getting to where the puck would be enough … just hacking, basically.

But that’s cool. It was only my second attempt and I have all year to get better, to find the pace, to grow into this. We get a couple of weeks off now because of the world junior skating championships being held at our rink (no, really – the Icehouse techos are even removing all the glass from around the Henke Rink for the event. “That’s why every pane of glass has a number on it,” explained Lliam. “See, you even get some science.”)

I’d love to watch genuine speed skating but don’t know if I’ll get the chance. I’m heading to the Barrier Reef for a second stint of joining Earthwatch to save the manta ray. I did it last September, pre-America, and it totally rocked my world. No phone reception, no wifi … just me, three dives a day, turtles, sharks, rays, fish, corals, a great bunch of scientists and volunteers, fun resort staff at Lady Elliot Island and me, struggling to turn off all my day-to-day issues and live truly in the moment.

I just got a new Mac and celebrated by cutting together a video of my final dive from the last Earthwatch trip. I was surfacing after my final dive of the trip, heavy at heart because I had to return to the real world. As I completed my three minute safety stop at five metres down, I saw some movement near the surface, saw the giant wings flapping, and started to laugh underwater. I raised my trusty GoPro and began to rise, shooting the video below.

Manta rays are known for being incredibly intelligent (their brain is way out whack in being too big for the sort of prehistoric mutated shark that they are, is the scientific way of putting it. Cue Lliam: “It’s like, you know, science!”) and curious. They have an amazing capacity to tell how comfortable you are with them; whether you’re over-excited, scared, tense, or relaxed.

By this dive, on the last day, I was very relaxed – in fact, feeling about as spiritual as I get (Nature is my God. Let’s leave it there) and embraced this manta’s appearance. With a lot of Nicko-free water to feed in, the manta felt the love and returned it, literally grazing me with its wings for close to 10 minutes. I ran out of air (the last part of the video is me on a snorkel) and eventually ran out of GoPro memory.

As the manta finally cruised under our entire group, found me and rose to pass close before swimming away as we climbed on the boat, I raised a hand and waved goodbye.

I can’t believe I land on that tiny, one-end-of-the-island-to-the-other grass landing strip on Saturday and will be in the water by Saturday afternoon. For all the daily soup I spend far too much time living in, my life fucking rocks. There, I said it.

Later, all. Have a great week, enjoy the Wings playing some games at home and let’s hope Jimmy Howard’s finger heals fast.

See you on the other side, when my hair is wet.


  1. Nick – now that it’s official, what are your thoughts on the winter classic 2013? Watching the Wings at the Big House, with 115,000 other hockey fans???!?! YES PLEASE!

    • Heya John,
      Well, let’s just say my savings plan, designed to buy an apartment this year, just went straight to Hell. Already seriously working out how oh how we get there.
      Are tickets to Classics difficult to get?
      But, in short: bring it!!!

  2. Well, if they are shooting for 115,000+ , I’m thinking it can’t be terribly hard to get them – sites like stubhub and such are authorized resellers, so there’s always a way to get them.
    As the Detroit news introduced us to your website, there’s got to be a way to make sure Nick gets to the game! I really think it would be awesome to have a follow up visit for the paper – it would only be right – you are part of the Wings family now!

  3. The NHL put up a site for early access – you can sign up now!

    It would be awesome to see you there Nick!

  4. Hi Nick

    Really enjoyed reading your article in the Sunday Age this weekend. I took up doing triathlons for the first time a couple of years ago at the age of 48 after my best mate’s son was moving up through the junior ranks and challenged us to run a team against him. Alas he beat the three of us by himself. Graduated from team to singles in the second year. I would caution you against cycling being gentler than ice skating. Currently recuperating with a plate and 11 screws in my leg after being hit by a car on a training run in early October. Aiming to do a little mini tri on April 1st – last of the season. Lots of raised eyebrows around the place from family and friends but you can’t wrap yourself in cotton wool for the rest of your life. I have the John Barrymore quote on my email signature:

    “A Man Is Not Old Until Regrets Take the Place of Dreams” and try to live by it

    Keep up the good work – great to hear about your struggles


    • Hiya Paul. Thanks for writing, and nice work on your late start to triathlons. I’ve done a couple of tris and really enjoyed them. I think they are definitely a sport that can be attempted on the wrong side of 40.
      I really liked the Barrymore quote too. I’m tempted to replace my usual quote to live by (“Alcohol may be consumed without food”) for it …
      Sorry to hear about your leg too. Damn cars. I ride my bike around a lot so you have my full sympathy.

  5. Well tonight’s win makes it official the Wings have the record, 21 straight home victories. Sorry Nick about the home (and away) losses while you were in town, but I would have to say I’d trade those losses again and again for the team to go on the kind of streak they’re on.
    Hey if you can get here I’ll do everything I can to get you a ticket for the W/C.

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