There has been some troubling news over the last few days, with reports that the Canberra Knights appear set to fold, leaving the AIHL one team down. It’s desperate enough that the remaining Canberra players have got together and discussed whether they could buy the franchise.

The previous biggest moment in Queanbeyan …

Among fans of the national comp, there has been lots of understandable wailing and gnashing of mouthguards, but it seems to me there are plenty of ways to get Canberra’s team back up and running … you’re welcome.

1. Fill the team with current or past politicians. I suspect that if the Knights came to Melbourne in a game where you could watch Lliam Webster and the Ice or Joey Hughes and the Clippiclops duke it out with and/or brutally board Tony Abbott, Scott Morrison, Kevin Rudd and Bronwyn Bishop for three periods, you might have to stage the game at the MCG to fit the crowd.
2. Tell overseas imports that Canberra is basically a carbon copy of Washington, as a dedicated national capital city. Yep, the Smithsonians, the White House, a diverse and interesting nightlife, but lacking a museum dedicated to espionage. Like Washington, it’s only a couple of hours by train to a real city … what’s not to like?
3. On a related note, do NOT mention that Canberra actually closely resembles Brussels, a grey, flavour-free admin centre of Europe that celebrates, as its greatest public monument, a tiny statue of a kid taking a leak. No, seriously.
   

   The Manneken Pis – Brussels’ greatest symbol.

4. Change the team’s name to the Queanbeyan Queens, hire only gay hockey players and reap the sponsorship rewards and public acclaim from having the world’s first-ever openly gay national league sporting team. You could even find a sponsor for period breaks where the team could host gay weddings, which would beat out even the Icehouse’s paper plane competition as a cool intermission concept.
5. Freeze Lake Burley Griffin and make Canberra the designated pond hockey team in the Australian league. Every player in Australia would want to go to games and then play scratch matches after, out on the frozen lake, pretending we’re in Canada. I know I would.
6. Door-knock the endless embassies in Canberra to recruit players. Let’s face it, by the time you get a couple of low level officials from the Canadian, Swedish, Russian and Swiss embassies, you’re on the way to a team – and one with diplomatic immunity for any illegal hits in games.
7. Hit up the NHL for a few million to prop up the Australian league properly and stop these cash woes from happening. It seems that after all that lockout bullshit last season, the NHL still had cupboards groaning with cash, even after telling the players how poor the League was. The Australian league needs help: Canberra, Adelaide, the Gold Coast … let’s fund this thing properly, develop the game, get seven extra rinks in Melbourne, and win Olympic Gold in 2022.

Lake Burley Griffin: freeze that sucker.

On the off chance, none of these appeal, you could always donate to try and keep the Canberra team alive: click here.